


Human

by MaggieMaybe160



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Blood, Cuddling Castiel/Dean Winchester, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Human Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Castiel (Supernatural), Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-11-17 16:52:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18102563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaggieMaybe160/pseuds/MaggieMaybe160
Summary: Cas has an anxiety attack in the middle of the night.





	Human

Cas jolts awake. The darkness around him presses in, but that isn’t what makes his heart quicken. His body feels empty. Not empty as in hungry: raw emptiness. His breathing becomes shallow and slow, scared, as he tries to make sure that he’s all there. 

Beside him, Dean snores gently. His breathing is the opposite of Cas’: deep and even. His body is relaxed, completely at ease and unaware of the terror that is gripping Cas. 

Cas doesn’t want to wake him with his bursting anxiety. He slips out from between the covers and leaves the warmth of the bed. The dread and fear continues to consume him as he makes his way to the door, groping blindly for the door. His hand finds the cold knob and he slips out of the room silently. 

The hallway is an empty maze of pitch black secrets. He knows where he’s going, he just doesn’t know why he feels so frightened. There’s no reason for tears to be rolling down his face, his heart slamming in his chest faster than Dean can drive. His hand splays on the wall next to him as he stumbles, his breath coming too fast now. If he could see, the room would be spinning. As it is, the darkness feels as if it swirling and tilting. Cas chokes down his tears and continues to stumble down the hallway. 

He makes it to the bathroom and automatically turns on the light. It’s too bright. It sears into his skull and forces him to shut his eyes against it. He’s too hot, being burned alive by the one light in the bathroom. He can’t tell if his skin is hot or if his heart is just pumping and boiling his blood from the inside. His lips feel as dry and hot as a desert. He had forgotten he was crying until he lifted a hand to his face and his fingers came away wet. 

“Help,” Cas whispers, his voice cracking as he sags to the floor in the shower. His hand finds the knob for the water and turns it before letting his arm fall back down. His entire body is heavy, too heavy to lift back up. 

The water hits him in the face and he closes his eyes. The water is cold, bordering on freezing. It isn’t helping the heat inside of him or the exposed emptiness he feels. His heart is pounding out every ugly thought inside of him, telling him that he’s broken and unclean. He rips his shirt off, suddenly needing to check again that he exists. He ditches all of his clothes in the corner of the shower, the pile becoming soaked through instantly. 

Cas crouches naked under the water, his hands running over his chilled skin, fingers probing and searching. Nothing is missing, but everything is missing. He keeps searching, his movements becoming more frantic. His hands stop at his back, his fingertips brushing over his shoulder blades before digging in. A scream that belongs in his heart rips through him, escaping from his mouth.

His nails dig into the flesh of his back, repeatedly raking and scratching, searching and never finding. He can’t see, the light and the water blinding him. If he could see, he would find the scarlet rivers, running from his back and hands, pooling around his knees and feet before washing down the drain. 

“Where are they?” Cas gasps in choked sobs, frantically clawing at his back. “Help.”

His stomach flips and he can’t tell if he’s breathing anymore. He isn’t pulling in air, though his chest is still moving. Hyperventilation. His eyes open, but the room spins and blurs. Anxiety continues to course through him at top speeds. 

Cas falls from his crouched position and hits the wall of the shower. His head makes contact with a solid thud after his shoulder. He blinks hard, trying to stay conscious. His hands are becoming less powerful in their futile search for his wings. 

“Cas!” Dean yells as he runs in. He is a knight in baggy pajamas as he falls to his knees in front of Cas.

“Dean,” Cas breathes, his bloody hands falling as his body goes limp under the water. “Help.” The word barely makes it out of his mouth before Cas sinks below the surface of consciousness, the worry and love in Dean’s eyes the last thing he sees. 

 

Cas blinks his eyes open. He feels numb and his back feels as though it’s been run over by a lawn mower. There’s a towel wrapped around him and Dean is holding it there, rubbing his hands into the fabric to keep Cas warm. His green eyes are filled with worry.

“Cas, can you hear me?” 

He can tell that they are sitting in the shower still, but there’s no more water pouring down on him. He’s wrapped in Dean’s strong arms and pulled against his chest. Dean is warm and alive and real. Dean is here. 

“Cas?”  
“Yes, Dean. I can hear you,” Cas answers finally. He shivers and Dean pulls him closer. “Dean,” Cas chokes, tears in his voice. 

He remembers clawing at his own skin. He remembers carving into his own back. He remembers why he’s lying here, his body in pain, his soul numb. 

“What happened?”  
“Dean, they’re gone.” The tears spill over and Cas’ body shakes as he sobs into Dean. “My wings are gone.” 

Dean doesn’t answer. He just bows his head so their faces are close together, his warmth radiating, but still unable to penetrate Cas’ chill. 

Cas reaches out from under the towel and sees his hand is stained with his blood, his fingers the color of rust. He grabs onto Dean’s shirt anyway, needing him close. 

“I’m empty and my wings  —” Another sob breaks off his sentence as he curls into Dean. 

“We’ll find your grace and you’ll get them back,” Dean promises, his breath on Cas’ cheek. His lips press gently to Cas’ temple for a moment. “I know it hurts. You’re human.” 


End file.
